The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
