I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
