Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
