There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
