got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
