why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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