So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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