You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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