nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize