You're completely useless in the revolution.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
