I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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