Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
