I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
