My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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