This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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