rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
