if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
