the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
