just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
