There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize