Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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