I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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