I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
