I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
