My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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