I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
