Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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