Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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