I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
