So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
