Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
