When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
