I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
