He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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