Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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