I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
