fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
