Umm I'm too high to move.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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