worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Drunk walkin through police station. America
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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