I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
