I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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