Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
