Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
