I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize