checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
