Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
