I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
