My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
