Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize