She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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