I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's always time for handjobs
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
