hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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