while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize