yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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