Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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