Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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