We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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